leaving.. left.. gone..

I woke up today not feeling too good. It wasn't how I felt physically, it was emotionally. I couldn't quite recall what I was just dreaming, but It was definitely about my friends. This is because I immediately started thinking about the people I went to school with. I got up, walked over to my desk and picked up what seemed like half a dozen yearbooks. Most of which I got from Mont Kiara, and a couple from Warsaw.

It was freezing with the AC set to the coldest possible temperature. I rushed back to my bed and snuggled into my blanket. I picked up the two yearbooks from Warsaw, but I went through them pretty swiftly. I'm not too sure why, but I was looking forward to the Mont Kiara yearbooks more.

One by one I looked through the yearbooks. I even went through the pages of people I didn't even know. I didn't skip a single page. I made sure I looked at them in order as to properly see the difference between my friends and myself throughout the years. I had a few good laughs looking at the more dramatic changes in people. It was hilarious to see how we looked back then. I remember perfectly how I thought dressing the way I did made me look cool. Now I know I was just being a dork *haha*.

I was feeling much more content than I did when I first woke up. However, that didn't last very long. It was all gone by the time I got to the final yearbook, the year I graduated. I got to the senior page and it hit me. I then understood the melancholy from when I woke up; there were so few of us. So many faces I saw in the previous yearbooks were not in the senior page of the yearbook for the year 2005.

So many people have left. I too have left people from my previous schools. I look around me now and still people are leaving. Just a few months ago about five of my friends left to pursue knowledge across the world, including my brother. I guess it never ends. Saying "goodbye" will always be a part of my life.

reason for being

What is your reason for being? Have you figured it out yet? It's not a very simple question. As a matter of fact, it's not simple at all. Most people spend their entire lives looking for the answer. And they never find it...

However though, there are the exceptionally auspicious few that actually understand their reason for existence. Whether it be helping others, spreading their beliefs or even simply living life to the fullest. I envy this rare breed. Their lives make sense now. They've figured out what they're supposed to do, and now they just need to figure out how to do it. Or perhaps they've already done what they needed to do.

Is finishing college, getting a good job and living a comfortable life sufficient for me? I think not. I can't feel fulfilled until I've accomplished something truly amazing. I just hope that day will come, either sooner or later.

faith & hope

From Dictionary.com
Faith is...
1. Confidence or trust in a person or thing
2. Belief that is not based on proof

I like to test the people around me. How do they see me? How much do I really mean to them? By that I mean I purposely hurt the people around me. I just want to see how long they'll put up with my inconsiderateness and selfishness. I'll always start a relationship with anybody by being nice to them. After a certain period of time, I turn on everything they say or do, sometimes even both. I know it's harsh, but it's just my way of finding out the truth. You know how some people need to make sure the stove is off, they check and double check before they go out. And some people need to brush their teeth after every meal. Well, this is something like that. However, in a much more twisted kind of way. haha

Anybody know what I'm talking about? If you do, then you now know why I do it. I apologize if my actions have upset anyone.

So far, I've been truly amazed by the responses I'm getting lately. I feel very much loved and wanted. =D I don't understand why they have all this faith in me.

Now that we're on this topic, how about a piece of yarn? One of my dear friends has been getting quite a few remarks concerning me. Negative remarks if I may add. The person letting her in on all this 'dirt' is someone she's known her entire life and I'm sure she cares for very much. My relationship to her resembles a single ray of sunlight compared to the aurora she has with this other person. Despite all that, she still chooses to believe me. She tells me what she's heard and asks me for confirmation. I honestly deny every single one of these lies and to my astonishment, she full heartedly believes me. Until today, I still have no idea why she has so much faith in me.

Faith is good. The feeling it gives someone knowing another has so much of it in you knocks rainbows and birds chirping in the morning off the charts. It gives one complete and utter hope. =)

what's your cause?

First off, I’d just like to say sorry to Mel for completely ripping off her title. *sorry beautiful, you know I love you* It’s just that it has so much meaning, and I immediately fell in love with the entry.

So what is your cause? Do we even have any purpose in this life? Sure we do. It’s just a matter of figuring out what it is. I’m certain that many in this world have come and gone without ever knowing for sure their reason for being. I would consider myself to be one of the lucky few if I ever figured out what mine is. Whenever that may be. Not to mention the fact that day may never even come.

The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.

-Eleanor Roosevelt

Following the footsteps of Mel *an extremely sexy beast*, I asked one of my closest and brightest friends a very personal question; what are you passionate about? After about a minute or two of his silent pondering, he looked me square in the eyes, and replied in a firm and steady voice: love. I was honestly quite flabbergasted by this. His answer was undoubtedly far too momentous for someone of his age.

After about another minute or so of utter silence, he took out his phone and started to text someone. I then remembered that he had recently started a relationship with a girl. I thought about it for a while and felt somewhat vexed. I couldn’t help but I was starting to feel affronted by what he said. How could he undermine such a compelling question?

I guess he saw the exasperated look on my face and told me he knew I disliked his response. *DUH!!!* He smiled, chuckled a bit and begun to clarify himself. He explained to me the true importance of love as he saw it. He told me that love was all that mattered in this world. The feeling of being wanted and cared for was far more important than the typical teenage dream: a big house, an expensive sports car, and a shit load of cash to blow away. Oh, and not to mention the beautiful Miss July at your disposal. =P He also cunningly elucidated that his answer had nothing to do with his new girl friend *whoops*. He then told me he strongly believes that is the reason he was brought into the world. To be loved, and to give love in return. Be it family, friends, a lover or even God.

Me being me, did not agree with a word he said *haha*. However, that didn’t matter. What did matter was the fact that I knew everything that came out of his mouth was genuine and directly from the heart. He promptly went up a few notches on my list, and gained a new found respect from me.

It’s great to figure out your purpose in life. However though, what’s really important is to understand that different people see things differently, and that doesn’t matter. Not even the slightest bit. What does matter is that you pursue and exploit what you believe in as best as possible. Let it be religion, love, or something you truly enjoy doing. At least that's what I think.

the way i am

Since birth I've been cursed with this curse to just curse,
And just blurt this bezerk and bizarre shit that works,
And it sells and it helps in its self.

To relieve all this tension dispensing me,
Sentence is getting it,
Stress has been eating me recently,
All through this chest and I rest to get peacefully,
But at least have the decency in you to leave me alone.

To not come and speak to me,
I'm not what your friends think,
I'm not Mr. Friendly,
I can be a prick,
If you tip me my tank is on empty.

But I'm glad cause you feed me the fuel,
That I need for the fire to burn,
And it's burning and I have returned.

Now I'm grabbing my hair and I'm tearing it out,
You've been driving me crazy, I can't take it,
I'm racing, I'm pacing, I stand and I sit.