leaving.. left.. gone..

I woke up today not feeling too good. It wasn't how I felt physically, it was emotionally. I couldn't quite recall what I was just dreaming, but It was definitely about my friends. This is because I immediately started thinking about the people I went to school with. I got up, walked over to my desk and picked up what seemed like half a dozen yearbooks. Most of which I got from Mont Kiara, and a couple from Warsaw.

It was freezing with the AC set to the coldest possible temperature. I rushed back to my bed and snuggled into my blanket. I picked up the two yearbooks from Warsaw, but I went through them pretty swiftly. I'm not too sure why, but I was looking forward to the Mont Kiara yearbooks more.

One by one I looked through the yearbooks. I even went through the pages of people I didn't even know. I didn't skip a single page. I made sure I looked at them in order as to properly see the difference between my friends and myself throughout the years. I had a few good laughs looking at the more dramatic changes in people. It was hilarious to see how we looked back then. I remember perfectly how I thought dressing the way I did made me look cool. Now I know I was just being a dork *haha*.

I was feeling much more content than I did when I first woke up. However, that didn't last very long. It was all gone by the time I got to the final yearbook, the year I graduated. I got to the senior page and it hit me. I then understood the melancholy from when I woke up; there were so few of us. So many faces I saw in the previous yearbooks were not in the senior page of the yearbook for the year 2005.

So many people have left. I too have left people from my previous schools. I look around me now and still people are leaving. Just a few months ago about five of my friends left to pursue knowledge across the world, including my brother. I guess it never ends. Saying "goodbye" will always be a part of my life.

reason for being

What is your reason for being? Have you figured it out yet? It's not a very simple question. As a matter of fact, it's not simple at all. Most people spend their entire lives looking for the answer. And they never find it...

However though, there are the exceptionally auspicious few that actually understand their reason for existence. Whether it be helping others, spreading their beliefs or even simply living life to the fullest. I envy this rare breed. Their lives make sense now. They've figured out what they're supposed to do, and now they just need to figure out how to do it. Or perhaps they've already done what they needed to do.

Is finishing college, getting a good job and living a comfortable life sufficient for me? I think not. I can't feel fulfilled until I've accomplished something truly amazing. I just hope that day will come, either sooner or later.

faith & hope

From Dictionary.com
Faith is...
1. Confidence or trust in a person or thing
2. Belief that is not based on proof

I like to test the people around me. How do they see me? How much do I really mean to them? By that I mean I purposely hurt the people around me. I just want to see how long they'll put up with my inconsiderateness and selfishness. I'll always start a relationship with anybody by being nice to them. After a certain period of time, I turn on everything they say or do, sometimes even both. I know it's harsh, but it's just my way of finding out the truth. You know how some people need to make sure the stove is off, they check and double check before they go out. And some people need to brush their teeth after every meal. Well, this is something like that. However, in a much more twisted kind of way. haha

Anybody know what I'm talking about? If you do, then you now know why I do it. I apologize if my actions have upset anyone.

So far, I've been truly amazed by the responses I'm getting lately. I feel very much loved and wanted. =D I don't understand why they have all this faith in me.

Now that we're on this topic, how about a piece of yarn? One of my dear friends has been getting quite a few remarks concerning me. Negative remarks if I may add. The person letting her in on all this 'dirt' is someone she's known her entire life and I'm sure she cares for very much. My relationship to her resembles a single ray of sunlight compared to the aurora she has with this other person. Despite all that, she still chooses to believe me. She tells me what she's heard and asks me for confirmation. I honestly deny every single one of these lies and to my astonishment, she full heartedly believes me. Until today, I still have no idea why she has so much faith in me.

Faith is good. The feeling it gives someone knowing another has so much of it in you knocks rainbows and birds chirping in the morning off the charts. It gives one complete and utter hope. =)